Session With Dr Caligula
by Caligula II
Summary: The Tekken characters all have issues. There is only one man who can help them and that man is utterly insane.
1. Substance Abuse

**AN: This is just based on a piece of writing from Soul Calibur. I thought, how come nobody does this for Tekken?**

**All similarities with actual people are coincidental. Caligula II is not similar at all to Dr. Caligula.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Tekken.**

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_Session With Dr. Caligula_

Starring:

Jin Kazama: Depresive and suicidal

Kazuya Mishima: Sociopath

Heihachi Mishima: Perverted old fart

Jun Kazama: Disfunctional mother

Hwoarang: Drug addict

Ling Xiaoyu: Retarded

Lee Chaolan: Closeted gay

Asuka Kazama: Openly lesbian

Julia: Asuka's girlfriend, paranoid

Yoshimitsu: Homesick alien

Nina Williams: Homicidal maniac

Anna Williams: Sex addict

Steve Fox: Braindamaged boxer

Bryan Fury: Psychopath

Lei Wulong: Moron

Bruce Irwin: Drunkard

Ganryu: Rapist

and...

Caligula II as Dr. Caligula: Psychoanalyst and asshole.

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It was a regular day at Dr. Caligula's office. Crying, tantrums, murder and so on when a tall African-American walked in.

"Hi." he said to the receptionist. "Is Dr. Caligula here?"

"He is here, yes." she said while polishing her nails. "But he is busy with a patient. Please wait." and she continued her nail-polishing as the guy, whose name was Bruce Irwin, sat down in the waiting room.

In the office, the Doc was overseeing Bryan Fury's trip to the assylum.

"You know that I'm not crazy! Grooradaurdeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" screamed Bryan as two orderlies zapped him with stun-guns.

"You attempted to devour my desk." stated Dr. Caligula with a germanic accent. "You are clearly psychotic and must be put on medication if you ever hope to recover."

"I swear, I'm gonna get out, and when I do, I'm gonna fuck you up! GRRRRRRRRROOOOOAAAAAAAAANN!!!" roared Bryan and the orderlies immediately zapped him unconconous. He fell to the ground and was carted off to the assylum.

"Next!" called Dr. Caligula and Bruce stepped into his office.

"Hey doc." started Bruce a little nervously. "I came here cuz some guy recomended ya."

"Yes, yes. What is your name, patient?" asked Dr. Caligula.

"I'm... uhm... Bruce."

"Hello Bruce. I am Dr. Caligula. Why have you come here?"

"Well..." Bruce started shivering. "The wife says that I got to come back home, but I'm never sober enough to remember where my home is."

"Good, good." the doc scribbled something on his clipboard. "It is obvious that you suffer from alcoholic intracranial megalomanic fobial substance abuse."

"What does it mean doctor?" asked Bruce.

"No idea, just trying hard to look schmart." said the doc. "So, tell me about your childhood."

"Well... My old man never cared for me, he would sit in the armchair and drink beer." said Bruce.

"Hm, hm. Interesting." hummed Dr. Caligula. "Tell me about your mother."

"My mom? Well she never had time for me. Sometimes I even wonder if she loved me." said Bruce, tears forming in his eyes.

"Hm. It seems that the deficiency of love coming from your parents has left you insecure and pained, giving you much trouble in your adult life. Ja!" finished the doc.

"It's true! It's all true. Buaaaaaaaa!" Bruce started crying and weeping.

"Ja. Und you also hate yourself, resulting in your enjoyemnet in self-harm via alcoholic beverages.

"Yes." Bruce wiped his face and rejoiced in enlightedness. "I do hate myself! Die motherfucker!" and without further ado, he jumped through the office window and landed in a barrel full of crabs which was randomly lying there simply because the author of this fanfic couldn't think of anything else.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! They are hurting me!" he screamed.

"Next." called Dr. Caligula.

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**AN: Yello. Just for the record, Dr. Caligula is in no way similar to me.**

**Love, peoples.**


	2. A Cry For Love

**AN: Heyloo. Please lie on the couch and tell me about your childhood.:D**

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As Dr. Caligula was treating Bryan, Jin and his mom were in the waiting room, waiting. 

"Hey, Jin." said Jun. "After we are done here, do you want us to get some ice cream."

"Life is not worth it. All you ever do is buy me stuff. How come you never give me any love?" complained Jin.

"There, there. I love you. If I didn't love you, would I buy you that beautiful pink hoodie of yours?" said Jun.

"Mom! It's not about the hoodie! You and dad are never around when I need you! All you ever do is buy me stuff! I don't need stuff, I need you two around!" shouted Jin.

"But mom has to work to provide. And your dad is an asshole, shame on him." said Jun.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! You only say that because the two of you got divorced!" said Jin and crossed his arms. "Nobody understands me."

"This must be a stage that you are going through." said Jun. At that precise moment, an elderly Chinese man walked in the waiting room. He had a young girl with him.

"Whoa, nice jugs lady." said the man. The girl laughed stupidly.

"Watch your mouth there, young man." said Jun, obviosly failing to notice that the guy was 105 years old.

"See. Everybody is either a jerk or a perv! I hate my life!" complained Jin.

"Hi, I am Wang." said the perv. "What's your name?"

"I am Jun." said Jun and giggled.

"How 'bout we do some ya know, "organic chemistry" after we are done with the kids?" started Wang.

"I don't know..." said Jun in a seductive manner.

"Mom!? What are you thinking?! This old fart is just trying to get laid." shouted Jin.

"Well, if you put it that way..."smiled Wang in his "old perv" fashion.

"Shit! Who is writing this shit? Who's in charge here?" said Jin, waving his arms around and shouting to nobody in particular.

"I am, ya got a problem with that." responed a thounderously loud nasal voice.(Caligula II).

"Who the fuck are you?" asked Jin.

"I am Caligula, dude, and don't make me press delete. Now, what seems to be the problem here?" asked the voice.

"Sure, press delete! I am sick and tired of living! Nobody understands my needs!" said Jin.

"Okay, I'm coming over. Stay right where ya are." said the voice.

All of a sudden, a vortex of light and Microsoft logos opened and a short, plump dude exited. He dusted himself, cracked his fingers and immediately looked at Jin.

"What the fuck do ya want, motherfucker?" asked Caligula.

"I want Love!" said Jin in a melodramatic way.

"There is your girlfriend." said Caligula as he pointed at Xiaoyu, who laughed idioticaly.

"She's retarded." complained Jin.

"Take it or leave it, pal. There are far too little chicks for me to waste one on ya." snarled Caligula. "If ya'r not satisfied, you can file in a complaint at the office.

"You writers only care about yourself! Nobody understands me!" complained Jin again.

"Okay, that's it. I am erasing..." Caligula paused as he looked at Wang. "What the fuck do ya want here, pops?! Ya weren't on the cast list!"

"I wanted to have some fun with the ladies around here." said Wang, a pseudo-evil look in his eyes.

"Ya already have a fanfic of your own. I hooked ya up with some of the hottest peoples in Tekken, for crying out loud!" Caligula seemed as if he was about to explode. "Is that not enough for ya? Huh? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FANFIC, YA PERV!!!"

"Uhm...no." said Wang.

"That's IT!" shouted Caligula, as he pulled out his trusty PC and pressed 'del' and Wang was instantly assaulted by the barrelful of crabs. They drove him out of the fanfic and everybody was now pretending to ignore Caligula as he went back to his dimension via the Microsoft logo vortex.

"Next." called Dr. Caligula. Jin stepped in the doc's office.

"Hi, doc!" he said in a monotone voice.

"Ja, heyloo." said the doc in a happy voice. "So, why have you come here?"

"My mother made me come." said Jin. "I would have rather hanged myself, but she took my belt."

"Um hum. It seems that you are not content with your life." stated the doc.

"Yeah, what was your first clue?" said Jin, sarcasticaly.

"You look like a luuser." stated the doc, quie seriosly. "If I were as much as a luuser as you were, I would have killed myself long ago."

"Yeah. I am a loser." said Jin admittingly. "Nobody shows affection for me."

"Gut, gut." said the doc and scribbled something. "Tell me about your childhood."

"Well, I grew up with my mother, since my dad never had the balls to be around. My mom, she was constantly bragging about not being appreciated and doing everything she can for me. And then she got killed by some allien monster, but my dad ressurected her with some mummbo-jumbo and they got married and then got divorced and they now try to outdo each other by buying me gifts." Jin was breathless after he finished.

"Gut. Tell me, do you have dreams?" asked the doc.

"Yes. I had a dream yesterday, that I was living in a glass cupboard, and ate only watermellons. And then one day, I bought a pumpkin and it turned into a one-eyed tentacled monster that assaulted me, but I managed to transform into Watermellon Jin and crush it with my mighty watermellon army."

"Your dream clearly schtates that you are crazy." said the doc reassuringly.

"Realy?" asiked Jin.

"Ja. I suggest you schtart taking these pills." said the doc as he handed a box of "Depression-A-Way" pills.

"Dude, I am not taking these pills." said Jin as he pushed the box away.

"But you must if you ever hope to be permanently cured. These would enable you to lead a happy and productive life, and you will never notice the balding and impotence side effects."

"I told you. NO!" shouted Jin.

"But zis is for your own gut. Ja"

"NO! I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE YOUR STUPID DEPRESSION PILLS! ALL I NEED IS SOMEONE TO LOVE!" shouted Jin at the top of his voice.

"You don't underschtand..." started the doc but was cut short by an inhuman scream from Jin, who turned into Watermellon Jin and flew through the open window.

"Well ja. I don't care about you!" shouted the doc after the departing Watermellon Jin. "You can drop dead as far as I am conzerned!" and he went back to buisness.

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**AN: There's the second chapter. If ya don't like it, flame me. I don't complain.**

**I loves you.**


	3. The Closet

**AN: The doc is back, for the final cut. ( I can NOT beleive I just said that).

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As Watermellon Jin drifted of into the darkness, despite the fact that it was broad daylight, a silver-haired man walked in Dr. Caligula's office.

"Heyloo, I am Lee." said the guy.

"I am doctor Caligula, and I will be your therapist for the day. Please lie down on the couch." said the doc, and the silver dude lied down.

"Gut. Now, wat seems to be your problem?" asked the doc.

"Well... I have been having these episodes, ya know... when I am too scared to do anything... anything at all. I sit in my office and sit, and then I am suddenly afraid that the desk will devour my pancreas." said Lee.

"Hmm..." thought the doc a little, before continuing. "This may result from eating too much sushi, ja."

"Doc, I don't eat sushi, it obstructs my social life." said the silver dude.

"Tell me about your social life." said the doc, invitingly.

"I have a lot of girlriends, yes... Girlfriend girlfriends, not girls who are friends. And I have boyfriends, I mean, boys who are friends, yes... I am very social." blurted out Lee, obviosly shaken.

"Und how do you feel about zis?" asked the doc, while scrawling something on his clipboard.

"I feel realy gay about this... I mean happy, yes. Happy that is."**(AN: Gay is an archaic form of happy)**

"Gut. Tell me about your muzzer." said the doc.

"I have a very large muzzer, thank you." said the silver dude self-importantly.

"No, not zat muzzer. Tell me about your female parrent, ja." immediately corrected Dr. Caligula.

"Ah... My mom." and Lee burst into tears. "I never knew my mother!"

"Gut! Tell me about your father." said the doc, seeming not to notice that Lee was reduced to a weeping bunch.

"I...sob... that asshole Heihachi adopted me when I was a kid. And then sent me to America, so he could piss of my idiot brother." more crying and Dr. Caligula scribbling on his clipboard.

"It seems to me zat you failed to have a role model in your childhood, thus resulting in..." the doc started speaking incredibly fast." ...your confusion in proper social behaviour, which in turns makes you voulnerable to peer pressure, resulting in your unability to form a secure ego without overexagerating about your abilities, which draws roots from your loveles childhood, which left you with no clear map as to how to succseed in life, thus enabling you to create an alternate reality in which you are omnipotent in contrast to your insecure self, an obviosly questionable Freudian miss, which may draw roots from your exagerated sibling rivalry with your brother and the culture shock that you may have experienced in America, where it is possible that you have been assimilated and lost touch with your roots which will explain your obsession with being an alpha male, which renders you incapable of expressing emotions, as suggested by the male gender stereotype, which in turn draws your emotions inward, causing them to wreac havoc on your insecure ego, which gives you little freedom as to act properly and leads to confusion in your sexual orientation, which is caused by forced polygamy enforced by peer pressure, thus rendering you incapable of happiness for the remainder of your natural life. Ja."

"Uhm... So the thing is..." asked Lee.

"You are gay and you must come out if you ever hope to live a happy life. Ja."

An awkward silence in which a coo-coo clock started to coo-coo. The silver dude shifted himself on the couch.

"I'm not gay. I'm straight." he saud, with an insecure tone to his voice.

"Come on, it is safe to come out." said the doc. "You don't have to pretend you are schtraight."

"Doc, I have a buhzilion girlfriends and three ex-wifes. I AM NOT GAY!" shouted Lee.

"Have you been paying attention to what I was saying?" asked the doc in outrage.

"Uhm...nope." said Lee.

"Well, if you did pay attention, you would have noticed that you try to hide your homosexuality by overimposing your masculinity."

"What does that mean?"

"You play a pimp in order to hide the fact that you are gay."

"I'm not gay!"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" roared the doc. "I am telling you: the panic attacks will not stop until you come out! If you refuse my therapy, I am forced to kick you in the balls!" which the doc did.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" shouted Lee in agony as the doc called in the janitor, JACK, to throw him out.

"I'll get you yet, Evil Shrink!" shouted Lee as the JACK hauled him into the dumpster.

Meanwhile in the waiting room, Xiaoyu was all alone when Heihachi came in.

"Hello little girl. Where is your mommy?" he asked with a sweet voice.

"Me wikes to pway with Panda." said Xiao in a retarded way.

"Tell me, are you alone." said Heihachi.

"Grandpa got bite by puppies, me awone." said Xiao cheerfully, reffering to the crabs.

"Well, if you come with me, I will give you candy." invited Heihachi.

"Me wike candy." cheered Xiao as she took Heihachi's hand.

"What a cute nose you have. Let me show you the real nose." said Heihachi in his sweet way, and they left.

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**AN: Am I evil or what? Anywhoo, this chapter is not homophobic.**


	4. Sibling Rivalry: Sex vs Violence

**AN: Ahem, I've been busy. It might happen that I go global this year, but perhaps not.**

**Anywhoo, get ready for the next... session with Dr. Caligula.**

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Just as Heihachi left the waiting room with Xiao, two very sexy women walked in. They were Anna and Nina Williams. 

"I desperately need to kill something!" shouted Nina through gritted teeth.

"I desperately need to get laid." said Anna openly.

"The doctor will see you soon." said the recepcionist, who was still polishing her nails, which made Nina angry and Anna horny.

"You are making me angry." said Nina menacingly. "You don't like me when I'm angry."

"You are making me horny." said Anna flirtautosly. "People like it when I'm horny."

"Stop repeating everything I say, slut!" shouted Nina.

"I'm not repeating what you say, bitch!" shouted Anna back.

"You did it again, slut."

"Whoops, I did it again." started Anna to sing, but Nina did her Bad Habit (kick in the nuts) on her which had no effect as Anna had no nuts.

"Whooa, that was hot! Do that again!" said Anna, seeming aroused by Nina's technique

"Shut up, slut!" shouted Nina.

"No, you shut up, bitch!" shouted Anna.

"No, you shut up slut!" shouted Nina again.

"It's not my fault that the closest thing you had to a boyfriend was Lee's old dildo!" shouted Anna, drawing outraged looks from everybody present.

"Well, you don't have the balls to kill people!" shouted Nina.

"Shut up, bitch!"

"No, you shut up, slut!"

"No, you shut up, bitch!"

"SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!" shouted the recepcionist. "The doc will see you now."

They stepped in the doc's office and sat their incredibly hot asses on the couch.

"Heyloo, I am Dr. Caligula. I am here for your assistance." welcomed the doc.

"Feelin' lucky, doc?" asked Nina as she pulled out a pistol.

"Hello, doctor..." started Anna in a seductive way. "What do you... desire from us."

"Hmm... You seem to exschperience an exschtreme form of sibling rivalry." stated the doc.

"What was your first clue, asshole?" asked Nina in a menacing voice.

"Ooh, doctor. You are so smart." said Anna in a horny voice. "Smart guys so turn me on."

"You get turned on by everything that moves, slut!" shouted Nina.

"Yeah? Well you kill everything that moves!" shouted Anna.

"Shut up, slut!" shouted Nina and bitch slapped her sister.

"No, you shut up, bitch!" shouted Anna and double bitch slapped Nina.

"No, you shut up slut!" shouted Nina again and tripple bitch slapped Anna.

"RUHE!" shouted the doc at the top of his voice. "How do you expect to be permanently cured if you bicker all the time?"

"We didn't come here to be cured, doc." said Nina.

"Yeah, it was either this or the slammer." continued Anna.

"I'm in for murder and she is in for rape." explained Nina.

"It's called sexual assault, bitch!" complained Anna.

"Shut up, slut!"

"No, you shut up, bitch!"

"No, you shut up, slut!"

"Now, if you refuse my therapy," started the doc. "I am obliged by Hypocrates' oath to kick you in the balls." and he first kicked Anna.

"Whoa, do that again!" said Anna. The doc proceeded to kick Nina.

"OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW" screamed Nina in anguish.

"What's the matter?" asked Anna.

"He kicked me in my fucking balls!" said Nina bethween pants (no pun intended).

"You have balls?" asked Anna with a dumbstruck face.

"They are silicon." grunts and pants "I got them so I would have the balls to murderize stuff."

"But aren't they supposed to not be voulnerable to pain?" asked Anna. Nina skimmed a Thesaurus (or whathever, the dictionary) for 'voulnerable' before responding.

"They have neural reeh-ceep-thors."

"Oh."

"Janitor, come and throw throw these two in the dumpschter!" shouted the doc, and JACK the Janitor walked in and picked up Nina and Anna.

"So, how do we get down?" asked Anna as JACK was carrying them.

"We blow this guy." said Nina and pulled out a RU-AP mine.

"Nina, you don't need a mine to blow people." corrected Anna.

"Yeah, how's that?" asked Nina.

"Well, you..." started Anna but she was interupted by a thunderously loud nasal voice(Caligula II)

"Stop it, putana! If ya say one more word, we are all fucked!"

"Ooh..." moaned Anna. "That would be nice."

"No it's not!" shouted the voice. "If ya continue that sentence, I'll have that paisan Jack Thompson busting my balls. _Again!_"

"What was the first time?" asked Nina.

"Don't ask sensitive questions!" ordered the voice before dissapearing.

"Okay..." said Nina. "So how do you figure we get out of this shit?"

"Hmm..." thought Anna but by the time she thought of anything, JACK the Janitor threw them in the dumpster.

"I'll be back." said JACK with a Schwarzenegger accent.

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**AN: Hmm... do you like it. Review.**

**Just for the record, I have never been involved with Jack Thompson.**


	5. A Semibarbaric Planet

**AN: Soo, Valentine's is over. **

**Pfff... I prefer Mardi Gras anyways.**

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It was just another day at Dr. Caligula's when a weird looking samurai dude walked in. 

"Greetings earth creatures." said the weird samurai dude. "Take me to your leader."

"Yeah whatever." said the recepcionist who was busy gossiping on the phone.

"Is your leader here?" asked the WSD (Weird Samurai Dude).

"Sure he is." responded the recepcionist, while obviosly ignoring the WSD.

"Ahem." said the WSD to himself. "I am obviosly interupting some local custom. I shall wait this out." and proceeded to sit his weird samurai arse down.

Meanwhile, Asuka and Julia walked in. Asuka was supporting a freaked-out Julia as they sat next to the WSD.

"Don't worry honey. You are gonna be fine, ya hear?" she said as she helped her girlfriend sit. "No G-man is going to follow you here."

"Are you sure?" asked Julia as she glanced nervously around.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Look, this place is safe." reassured Asuka.

"Yeah...I guess." started Julia. "But what if they are mind-controling you?!" she asked in panic.

"Heey, don't talk like that." pressed Asuka and Julia backed away, looking frightened. "Yo, if I weren't myself, would I be able to this?" asked Asuka as she kissed Julia passionately, truly convincing her that she is not mind-controled.

"Hmmm...what an interesting ritual." thought the WSD. "It got me interested in their mating customs."

And without further ado, the WSD got reealy close to the kissing pair. So close, they felt weird and uncomfortable.

"What do you want, you stalker?!" asked Asuka angrily.

"Shiiiiiitt!" shouted Julia. "He's a MIB and he's here to neuralize me!" and she started to panic.

"Hey, Jul. Calm yourself." said Asuka after which Julia felt a little better. "He's just a creep, no MIB."

"Well still..." complained Julia.

"Get the fuck away from us, creep!" shouted Asuka.

"I am merely a visitor interested in your customs. You see I come from a different planet." stated the WSD.

"Whooooooooa! You an alien?!" asked Julia, looking wary.

"Of course." replied the WSD.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! See, Suki! I told you the taxi-drivers are in league with the aliens to create the New World Order, and Bill Gates is their leader!" she shouted.

"Wait, It's just a crazy creep!" shouted Asuka but to no awail.

"Good thing I prepared for the invasion." stated Julia as she ran off.

"Wait Jul! It's all in your head!" shouted Asuka as she pursued her, leaving the WSD alone.

"Oh, fiddlestix." swore the WSD. "Now I am alone."

"Okay, Yo-she-mee-tsoo? The doc will see you in a moment." said the recepcionist and Yoshi A.K.A the WSD stepped in Dr. Caligula's office.

"Ahh, gut. Are you mein next patient?" asked the doc.

"I am Yoshimitsu of Zorkdork, the planet of the Blue Freaks of Nature." stated Yoshi.

"Ah, gut, a schizophreniac." exclaimed the doc enthusiasticaly.

"No. You see, I was told to come to a certain institution known as the 'shrink'." said Yoshi. "It has come to my attention that this is an authority of sorts."

"Uhm..." the doc scratched his head. "Multiple presonality disorder?" he made a wild guess.

"I am here to bring peace and intergalactic unity to your planet." said Yoshi magnanimously.

"No, wait...ADD!" said the doc, feeling a lot better about himself.

"With your leadership and my help, this planet will enter an age of prosperity and cookies." Yoshi beamed as he presented his views of a better tommorow.

"Mmm...cookies." hummed the doc.

"Naturaly, you will have to help me back to my homeworld, Zorkdork." stated Yoshi.

"Hmm, I think you will need many years of therapy in order to be fully recovered." stated the doc.

"Wait, were listening to my speech?" asked Yoshi.

"You are disilusonal, and we need to bring these illusions to an end. I will do everything known to medical science." said the doc as he pulled out a hammer which was twice the size of Craig Marduk. He then smacked Yoshi's head.

"Away with you, turbulences of the soul!" he shouted as he smashed Yoshi's head.

"Some semibarbaric custom, I presume." thought Yoshi with difficulty.

"Am besten mann im Kopf schiesten!" shouted the doc as he repeated his procedure.

"Yo, was that English?" asked a severly hurt Yoshi.

"Kill the wabbit! Kill the wabbit!" sung the doc like a Viking, as he completely smashified Yoshi.

"Okay, I'm leaving! You can't have intergalactic peace!" shouted Yoshi. "This planet sux!"

"Groaroagroinaroarroagrooawroarlroirocrokroarurdaedobragrodaurde click click click!" shouted the doc like an African warrior and reduced Yoshi to a rug.

When the dust settled, the doc was eating cookies and Yoshi was a rug.

"Janitor!" called Dr. Caligula. "Dischpose of zis ugli rug."

"Affirmative." said Jack the Janitor and he dumped Yoshi in the dumpster.

Meanwhile in the dumpster, Lee was hitting on Anna.

"You know, I'm not gay." he said.

"Aww... too bad. I like gays." said Anna.

"You like everything that moves, slut!" shouted Nina.

"Shut up, bitch!"

"No, you shut up, slut!"

And so on and on...

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**AN: Boy am I glad to be back to Evil Shrink. Writing this one is far easier than holiday specials.**

**R&R**


	6. Playing Dumb

**AN: Awesomly lame newsflash: I have these new clothes that make feel like a buhzillion bucks.**

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Just as Yoshi the Rug got dumped in the dumpster, a dude whose hair looked like a traffic cone walked in the waiting room. 

"I am Kazuya. I have come to see Dr. Caligula."

"And he was like: omgwtf u r wierd m8." said the recepcionist, busy discussing her deeply intricate sexual life on the phone.

"Yo, can I get some attention here?" asked Kazuya.

"Seriosly? Ohmigosh, I just can't totaly beleive that." asked the recepcionist over the phone, while Kazuya became a little angry.

"Hey! Is there a doctor in the house?" asked Kaz, obviosly irritated.

"People are so rude these days." complained the recepcionist on the phone. "Catch you later." she said as she hung up.

"Whaddaya want?" she asked Kazuya in an irritated maner.

"I am here to see Dr. Caligula." stated Kazuya.

"Please step into his office. And you don't interupt people when they are busy working!" she shouted after him.

"Oh yeah... _Working_" thought Kaz az he stepped in Dr. C's office.

The doc was busy eating cookies like a pig, when Kazuya sat his arse down on his couch.

"Yo, doc? Ain't this the time you are supposed to start talking?" asked Kaz.

"Munch, munch...yum yum." the doc was completely obsessed with the cookies.

"Hey, doc. We gotta start this session."

"Ja...munch...What is your name, patient?" asked the doc, while munching down the last of the cookies.

"I'm Kazuya."

"Hello Kazuya. I am Dr. Caligula."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that much." said Kaz sarcasticaly.

"Gut. Now... tell me. What seems to be ze problem?"

"Well... I always like to have fun, but even as a kid, my dad wouldn't let me set cats on fire."

"Hmmm..." the doc scribbled something down.

"Then came school and I got kicked out because I attacked my teachers with a fireaxe."

"Gut. What about your college years?" asked the doc.

"I graduated top of my class, but doused the ceremony in burning acid, so...I didn't get a degree."

"Now, tell me about your love life."

"Well, I used to be married to this incredible hottie, but she ditched me when I wanted her to strangle me. Since then... well I have never been realy attracted to anyone."

"Aha. Und now tell me about your job."

"Okay, doc. Why are you asking me these questions?" asked Kaz.

"Because it is my job." replied the doc.

"But why do you do your job?" asked Kaz, with a comforting look on his face.

"Well everybody comes to me and complains and they always complain about everything, but do they think twice about how I feel? No...they never think of me. What about my needs? What about me? They think I have no problems, they think this job is easy...They are always asking me questions and expecting answers, and always asking and asking and asking! I can't take it anymore it's driving me crazy!" at this point, the doc was screaming at the top of his voice. "Always expecting and telling! I have needs! I'm a human being!" the doc started crying now. "Mommy, make it sto-op! The bad man is hurting me, mommy!"

Kaz calmly stood up and gave the doc a warm hug.

"There, there. Mommy's here. Mommy's never gonna leave you." as he grabbed the doc's clipboard and helped him lie down on the couch.

"So, doc. Do you have dreams?" asked Kazzy.

"Ja. Once I dreamed that a sphynx is devouring my bladder." said the doc.

Kaz scribbled something down on the clipboard before continuing. "Good. Now tell me...what is a sphynx?"

"It is a bunch of stone, that guards the Pharaoh's tomb."

"Okay. What thing guards important stuff, but it is unimportant by itself?" but before the doc could answer, the answer entered the office.

"Kuh-zoo-yeah Mush-ee-mah! You are under arrest!" shouted Lei Wulong.

"What for, Lei?" asked Kazuya casualy.

"Extortion!" shouted Lei

"What's extortion?" asked Kazuya.

"Don't play dumb with me!" Lei got pissed.

"I'm not playing. So... why are you arresting me again?"

"The coldblooded murder of a bunny!"

"What's murder?"

"Don't play dumb with me!"

"Hey...I'm a legitimate buisnesman! You can't drop in on a private session." now Kaz was getting pissed.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!" shouted Kazuya and attacked Lei, completely destroyfying the office of the doc, who was in his happy place and hardly noticed anything.

"Some supercop you are!" said Kazuya as he kickafyed Lei's arse."Thanks, doc. It was realy helpful." he said as he left.

"Don't mention it." called the doc after him. He picked up his clipboard and read what Kaz had written on it.

"No tengo ninguna pista que estoy escribiendo." he read out aloud.

"Thanks, but I don't drink in the mornings." said Lei.

* * *

**AN: Yo, guyz. How's it hanging? Anywhoo... this is the last update before the St. Patrick's.**

**A little fun fact, the technique Kaz used on the doc is actualy a real technique utilized by shrinks worldwide.  
**


	7. I Pity Da Shrink

**AN: Back to the evil shrink for me. I've been neglecting my fics for a very, very long time now.**

**

* * *

**

As Dr. C was in his wreckafyed office, Hwoarang entered the entrance hall.

'Yo, I nahhhd tuhseee dedoc.' he said in a sleepy voice.

'Wtf?' asked the recepcionist.

'I naahd tushee dedoc!' he repeated.

'Are you high?' asked the recepcionist again.

'I'm high on life... and cannabis.' said Hwoa.

'Yeah, well just wait on that couch there.'

'Sure will. Reeed piiilllll...' said Hwoa like a zombie.

'Why did you do that for?' asked the recepcionist.

'I felt like The One. Now I'll take a redpill.' which he did.

As he was waiting his arse off, Steve walked in.

'Huh, huh.' he started punching thin air. 'You think you can take on Mohhammad Fox for fifteen rounds.'

'Ya'll... burp.' was all that Hwoarang managed to say.

'I pity da foo' who don' speak right!' stated Steve.

'Wallow in self-pity!' shouted Hwoa.

'Steve'll smash, crash and bash! Grrrr! Where's Steve's cash!' shouted Steve.

'You a wrestler?' asked Hwoarang.

'You see kids, this why you shouldn't do drugs! I pitty da foo' who do drugs!' shouted Steve, again.

'Drugs are your friend. Besides, I can quit anytime I want.' said Hwoa.

'Drugs BAD!!!' proclaimed Steve.

'Drugs made me a poet.' said Hwoarang

'How's that?' asked Steve.

At that point, Hwoarang started rapping

_'Yo, I was rising up_

_Back on da streets_

_Did my time_

_Took ma chances_

_Overdosed on redpills_

_Freed ma mind an' it got away.'_

'I like that.' said Steve.

'Ya man. We should sing together.' said Hwoarang at which point they started to sing.

_'The internet is for porn_

_The internet is for porn_

_Me up all night honking my horn_

_to porn, porn, PORN!'_

'Did somebody say porn?' asked Ganryu who peered in the hall.

'Yeah, man. We were praising sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.' informed Hwoarang.

At this point Ganryu, who was wearing a Michael Jackson t-shirt, walked in completely.

'Yeah, like sex totaly rocks.' he said.

'Duu-de. Can't compare to weed, man.' said Hwoarang.

'Uhhh... I like punching!' said Steve to settle the argument.

'Yo, redhead.' started Ganryu. 'So, like, you are completely stoned, huh?'

'Jeah, dude. I'm stickin it to the man, man.' said Redhead.

'Yo, why don't you come over to this deceptively safe back alley with me?' suggested Ganryu.

'Sure, man. You got some speed on ya?'

'Oh, I'll show you speed...' said Ganryu as the pair left, leaving Steve alone.

'A pity da foo' who leave me alone!' said Steve. 'Man, I need a new catchphrase... let's see.'

Steve was thinking and thinking and thinking, until he had a great idea.

'I got it. STEVE SMASH!' and he proceeded to smash the hall, office and everything else in sight.

* * *

**AN: Yo, me again. This is not the end, not by a long shot.**

**I pity da foo' who don't read and review!**


	8. The Sitdown

**AN: Now that everybody's treated, you would be expecting a calm ending. Well you're wrong!**

**Exterme emobashing in this chap. Blame the emo whom I realy, realy hate. **

**

* * *

**

As Dr. Caligula was sitting happily in what was left of his office, Bryan Fury was escaping from the assylum.

'Bryan. What are you doing?' asked an orderly who saw Bryan crushing the walls into dust.

'Uhm... escaping.' said Bryan.

'Okay, just remember. Emos are food, not friends.' said the orderly.

'Speak for yourself. I'm alergic to emos.' said Bryan.

'Try boiling them first. Makes all that emoness evaporate.' adviced the orderly.

'Yeah, whatever.' said Bryan as he escaped.

Meanwhile, Watermelon Jin called for a meeting of everybody who was treated by Dr. Caligula.

'And I'm telling you, Dr. Caligula is evil. He's an Evil Shrink!' he preached.

'Shut up, melonface!' shouted Kazuya.

'Yo, I'm not the one who collects sneakers!' fired Jin back.

'What do sneakers have to do with you being a total melonface?' asked Kazuya.

'You collect them!' shouted Jin again. Kaz would have none of it, though.

'Before Captain Melonhead here starts wasting your pathetic lives again, I say we beat the emo shizzle out of him!' he suggested.

'Yeah, you've ben getting on what's left of my nerves!' stated Hwoarang who had trouble walking due to Ganryu's 'treatment' of him.

'Steve smash emo watermelon!!!' yelled Steve.

'Yea! I'll fart in his mouth!' said Ganryu.

'Yo, how bout instead of him, we kick Dr. Caligula's ass?' suggested Asuka.

'Oh, yeah. I'm in for some Austrian schnitzell!' said Lei.

'It's called Viennese steak, you simpleton!' corrected Lee.

'Keep your genitalia to yourself, you sick, twisted fag!' shouted Lei.

'I'm not gay! You are the one wearing pink!' shouted Lee as he grabbed Lei's pink shirt.

'Only tough guys wear pink.' stated Lei calmly.

'Tough guys turn me on.' said Anna.

'Shut up, slut!' fired Nina.

'No, you shut up, bitch!' fired Anna back.

'You are a stupid slut!' shouted Nina as she bitchslapped Anna.

'No, I'm not! You are a stupid bitch!' shouted Anna as she slutslapped Nina.

'Shut up, you're both right!' shouted Kaz as he kazslapped them. 'Now how about murderizing my idiot emo son's ass?'

'My dad hates me!' howled Watermelon Jin.

'You are naturaly hateful, moron!'

'Hey, I'm the moron around here!' complained Lei.

'You have competition.' said Kaz.

'Oh... then I'm with Kazuya.' stated Lei.

'I'll side with the hot guys.' said Anna. 'Lee, come on over.' she called out.

'Oh no!' said Lee in a childish manner. 'That pink-clad gay wannabee caled me a fag.'

'Well that's what you are.' said Lei. 'Even the doc said so.'

'I''m not! And the doc is evil! I'll side with Jin.' sadi Lee as he approached Jin.

'Awww ...shit!' cursed Anna. 'But there's cooler people around. Julia, darling. Will you side with us. We've got hot guys.'

Julia had her head burried in Asuka's lap all this time. When she heard Anna's voice, she loooked up.

'What? Has somebody been abducted by alliens?'

'What's the mater with that crazy chic?' asked Kaz.

'Dunno... how come all the hot ones are crazy?' asked Lei back.

'What are the two of you doing?' asked Julia. 'Are you plotting to destroy all humans?'

'Been there, done that.' said Kaz.

'I see now. You want to destroy the forest! Well I'm siding with the emo and the fag!' shouted Julia.

'I'm no fag!' said Lee for the umpteenth time.

'Oh yeah?' started Asuka. 'Next thing you tell us is you haven't had a buhzillion plastic surgeries and you don't like 'touching' kids.'

'Oh, leave the man be.' said Anna. 'Now that hottie redhead seems nice.'

'He is nice.' said Ganryu.

'Honey, why don't you come over to our side? You are making me... wish for naughty things.' flirted Anna.

'Uhm... I am a free man!' shouted the superhigh Hwoarang as he took all of his clothes off and ran around naked.

'Whoaa... you're making me horny.' said Anna.

'Is there something that doesn't make you horny, slut?' asked Nina.

'Alex's fingernails, bitch!'

'Shut up, slut!'

'No, you shut up, bitch!'

'Shut up, both of you!' shouted Asuka as she titslapped them, which considering the size of her tits was extremely painful.

'How does she do that?' Hwoarang asked himself as he managed to find his boxers and put them on.

'I'm a failure.' concluded Bruce.

'Now he tells us.' complained Kazzy.

'Hey... let's all get high.' suggested Hwoarang.

'Damn druggie! Why can't you abuse alcohol like the rest of the normal world?' shouted Bruce.

'Well at least I am freeeee...' and once again, Hwoarang got butt naked.

'He's getting irritating.' said Kaz.

'Steve smash naked people!' shouted Steve as he smashed Hwoarang into many little Hwoarangs.

'If you wanna be my lover, you gotta first be my friend.' sang the little Hwoarangs in squeaky voices.

'Aaaahh! Get them off me!' shouted Lee as the little Hwoarangs overwhealmed him.

'Somebody save my faggot brother.' said Kazuya nonchalantely.

'I'm not a fag!' fired Lee as the little Hwoarangs jumped on him.

'I'll save you, if you admit that you are gay.' said Asuka.

'I'm not gay... but I'll take that rescue, thank you.' bargained Lee.

'Not until you come out!'

'Come on, sweetie. The world will understand.' Anna tried to encourage him.

'Yeah and we'll have Rolingstones playing when the credits to our movie roll.' said Lei.

'WTF!?' shouted Kazuya in surprise. 'That's idiotic even by your standards!'

'Don't hate the player, hate the game!' said a random Hwoarang.

'Who writes theis guy's stuff?' asked Kazuya.

'Somebody stupid, apparantly.' said Bruce but a brick flew inexplicably at him, hitting his head.

'Isn't it grand to know that a psycho writer can fling bricks at you?' asked Kazuya.

'It is.' stated Julia. 'But he's probably in league with the DEA.'

'OMG he's writing your lines too?!' shouted Asuka in surprise.

'Yeah. He writes everybody's lines.' said Ganryu.

'So that's why we all speak in cliches.' rejoiced Kazuya in knowledge.

'Caligula hates me!!!' screamed Jin, emo style.

'Don't get personal, now.' warned Lee who was still assaulted by the minuscule Hwoarangs. 'Now can somebody please save me?'

'No.' said Kazuya blankly.

'I will save you, if you love me.' offered Jin. 'Unlike my idiot dad.'

'Uhm... I'd rather be rescued by someone who is not a melon-themed anti-hero.' said Lee.

'Whaaaaa! Lee hates me too!' cried Jin as he started cutting himself.

'Emo cunt!' snarled Asuka as she kicked his shin.

'Oh no! Asuka hates me too!' cried Jin even more.

'Everybody hates emos. Even emos hate themselves.' stated Kazuya.

'Good point.' said Ganryu. 'But for some reason, emos don't mind being raped.'

'Whoooa, you a rapist?' asked Anna. 'Rapists turn me on.'

'That fat, smelly hypocrite turns you on?' asked Julia.

'Hey, who are you calling hypocrite?' snarled Ganryu in indiscretion.

'Forget fatsom! What about helping Emomelon Jin cut himself?' asked Kazuya, obviosly irritated.

'Well I'm sick of him, anyways. I'm in!' said Asuka.

'Jin understands me. His misery is as strong as mine.' stated Bruce as he joined Jin.

'I like emos, but they are better off dropping the soap.' stated Ganryu as he joined Kazuya.

'I'm gonna side with the emo, fag, crazy bitch and drunk just because my sister's in the other team.' said Nina as she sided with Jin.

'Freeedomm...!' chanted the little Hwoarangs as the jumped off Lee and started jumping around, doing the Macarena.

'That's more gay than Lee.' said Kazuya.

'I'm not gay.' said Lee. 'Besides, that's what Caligula does to vent his anger.'

'Ewww...' everybody puked their guts out.

'How do you know stuff like this, Lee?' asked Julia. 'Are you a spy?'

'No. I sneaked into Caligula's place to sabotage his PS2.' boasted Lee. 'Then I accidentaly saw him.'

'That was you?!' asked the dissembodied voice of Caligula II.

'Uhm... yep.' said Lee.

'YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD!!! I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU OFF IN EVERY FUCKING FIC I EVER FUCKING WRITE!!! AND YOU ARE GAY!!!' shouted the voice.

'Old news.' said Kazuya sarcasticaly.

'So... let's see.' started Asuka. 'On one side, we have an emo, a drunk emo, a fag, a paranoid crazy tramp and a violent murderous bitch.'

'And on the other side,' started Nina. 'We have a mobster wannabee, a retarded cop, a dyke, a slut and a fat, smelly butt detective.'

'What about pothead and chicken-brain?' asked Kazuya.

'I side with crying self-cutter!' shouted Steve.

The little Hwoarangs joined to form a normal-size Hwoarang which sided with Kazuya's team.

'Come on!' shouted Jin. 'It's war!'

'Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme,' chanted Hwoarang with a Jamaican accent . 'Fasten your seatbelts, it's emoslaying time.'

* * *

**AN: As soon as I'm back in the next chapter, there will be a massive fight in which Lee will most ceirtanly perish in pennance for sabotaging my PS2.**

**Other than that, I hope I didn't overdo the emo bashing.**


	9. Of Terminators and Lethal Weapons

**AN: Can you beleive it's been 2 months since I last updated? I can**

* * *

As the battle began, Jin started throwing watermellons at Ganryu. 

'Aii! Watermellons help my bom chica bow bow.' proclaimed Ganryu.

'You'll need all the help you can get!' stated Kazuya as he kicked Lee in the groin. 'I on the other hand, am quite content with kicking my lil bro's arse.'

'Not if I kick back..' said Lee and he delivered a kick to Kazuya's head.

At that precise time, Lei jumped on Lee and the two wrestled on the ground.

'Ah, Lee.' started Lei as he punched Lee's groin. 'I never knew you had a stiffy for me.'

'I don't.' said Lee as he kicked Lei off. 'That stiffy is for Asuka.' and he proceeded to do a suggestive dance in Suki's direction.

'Eww...' exclaimed Asuka as she pummeled Jin with punches. 'That's gayer than Donald Trump on crack.'

'Speaking of crack.' started Nina. 'I'ma fucken kill that druggie.' and she pulled out a gun which she aimed at Hwoarang.

Hwoarang was busying himself with headbutting Bruce. Bruce, on the other hand was kicking his groin. They were entangled in a drunken/drugged haze and not letting go of each other.

'Oh, no you won't you bitch!' shouted Anna as she grabbed Nina's gun and punched her in the face. 'The hottie is mine!'

'Fuck off, slut!' shouted Nina back as she rugbey-tackled Anna to the ground and they started a catfight.

'MaN!' shouted Ganryu in extasy. 'If I wasn't busy fighting, I'd stop and stroke myself.'

'That would have been a sight for sore eyes.' said Lee as he assaulted Kaz with his Spiral Cutter. Kaz was slammed into the wall behind.

'More like a sore sight for straight eyes.' he said as he got up and punched Lee's gut.

'Steve smash dyke!' shouted Steve as he tried to punch Asuka.

'This is exactly why I don't like guys.' said Asuka as she dodged and countered with a kick of her own. She didn't count on Julia's interferance, though.

'Sorry, honey.' said Jula as she kicked Asuka's back. 'But I gotta stop Stephen Fry from turning the earth into a giant mothball.'

'She gets my crazybiatch of the year award.' said Lei as he attacked Bruce.

'Misery loves company!' cried Jin as he tried to attack Hwoarang.

'And so does mescalin.' said Hwoarang as he kicked Jin away and proceeded to slam Bruce into a beer bottle.

'Mmmm... beer.' said Bruce, as he got up and punched Hwoarang away with renewed strenght.

'Ah. Bar brawls aren't appreciated by the local cops.' said Lei as he attacked Bruce with a Low-High spin kick.

'Steve be ridin' dirty!' shoted Steve as he ran towards Lei to smash him. He managed to pin the retardo-cop to a wall and crush him.

Meanwhile, Lee and Kazuya were fighting.

'You'll never beat me, Kazuya, because you never watched Bruce Lee movies as a kid.' said Lee as he used a backflip to kick Kaz in the chin.

'Yeah, well unlike you,' grunted Kaz as he got up and used an axe kick on Lee. 'I never wanted to masturbate to Bruce's sweaty, naked visage.'

'I never masturbated to Bruce Lee!' shouted Lee in indiscretion, while at the same time he unleashed an onslaught of kicks at Kazuya.

'ORLY?!' shouted Kazuya as he readied his Corktwist Uppercut.

'YEA RLY!' shouted Lee back as he powered up his Silver Lightning.

They colided with extreme force and Lee got blown high into the air as Kaz stood victorious.

'That's one fag taken care of..' said Asuka as she unleashed her Kazama six hit combo on Julia.

'Only Uncle Lee and my diary truly understood my pain.' moaned Jin as he tried to chamber punch Ganryu, but his fists bounced off Ganryu's belly.

'Feel the power of FaT!' shouted Ganryu as he tripped Jin and sat on his head.

'I feel the darkness in this position.' came Jin's muffled voice from beneath Ganryu's behind.

'Oh, shut up!' shouted Ganryu and he farted, effectively knocking Jin out.

'Eww.. that stinks!' complained Julia who was busy fighting Asuka. 'You are gonna kill the earth with that stench unless I stop you!' she proclaimed and she kicked Ganryu in the face, knocking him out.

'Somebody kill that crazybiatch!' shouted Kaz.

'Steve crush traffic cone!' shouted Steve as he squished Kaz's hair with a mighty skullcrusher.

'Traffic cones turn me on.' said Anna as she emmerged victorious from the catfight with Nina.

'Ah! You ruined my hair!' shouted Kazuya and proceeded to trip Steve with a Spinning Demon chain.

Steve got up, though and kicked Kazuya in his knees, causing him to double over.

'Now Steve MAAAAAD!' he shouted as he grabbed Kaz and threw him out of the window.

'Ahhh. I love it when guys get mad.' moaned Anna in extasy.

'Steve smash slut!' shouted Steve and proceeded to smash Anna, but Anna simply kicked him in the shin.

Meanwhile, Asuka was fighting Bruce.

'Hah, you are a mighty drunken one.' said Asuka while she punched his face.

'And you look hott.' said a drunk Bruce as he recovered from the punch and delivered a kick to her chest.

Asuka jumped back, massaging her chest so energeticaly, that Bruce fainted with sexual arousal.

Some distance away, Steve jumped on Anna and knocked her out, proceeding to glare at Asuka's boobs.

Meanwhile, Hwoarang was fighting Julia.

'The government is using drugs to control you.' said Julia as she grabbed Hwoarang and threw him to the ground.

'I am sticking it to The Man!' shouted Hwoarang as he got up and kissed Julia.

'Mugh... ugh.' Julia broke off. 'Your breath stinks.' and she fainted from the sheer stinkiness.

'You're making Steve angry! You don't like Steve when he's angry!' shouted Steve as he attacked Asuka.

'Oh, go fuck a goat you knucklehead!' said Asuka as she slammed the Brit to the floor and then crushed his face, knocking him out.

'Agh...' grunted Hwoarang. 'It seems that the two of us are the last ones left standing, Suki.'

'Don't call me Suki.' said Asuka.

'Okay, Suki.' said Hwoarang. 'Fancy a whif of my bong?' he asked.

'GTFO you perverted asshole!' she shouted, as she kicked him in the balls.

'Agh, my tender nuts.' lamented Hwoarang as he took out a bong and inhaled deeply.

'Ahhhh.' he moaned in extasy. 'It is like masturbating to rabbit porn.' he said as he passed out.

'Man, I don't even want to know. I'm outa here.' said Asuka and ran away.

Meanwhile, Dr. Caligula was assesing the damage done to his office with the assistance of Jack the janitor.

'Aha!' exclaimed Dr. Caligula as he threaded on a squished couch. 'My antique couch has been squished. Please take zis away, janitor.' he ordered.

'Terminated.' said Jack as he hauled the couch away.

'Ah, I wish zat some day, all thoze patients would just fock off und die.' he murmured in frustration.

'Who is your daddy?' asked Jack as he came back.

'Ah, my daddy's name was Helmut.' said Dr. C. 'He was a big schrink back in the old country. Do you miss the old country, Jack?' asked the doc.

'Wiener Schnitzel und ein Strudel!' said Jack.

'My Onkel Albert schtruck a poodle.' responded Dr. C.

'All night. I dream I am back in Austria.' said Jack.

'Schliegen Waffen und Volkswagen!' said Dr. C.

'My favorite singer is Nina Hagen.' said Jack.

'Can we please stop recreating parody songs?' asked Dr. Caligula.

'Chill out, dickwad.' responded Jack in his Schwartzenegger accent.

'We must discover what happened to zat insane cookie samurai.' proclaimed the doc.

'I threw him in the dumpster. He was a girlie-man.' said Jack.

'Let's go fetch him.' said Dr. Caligula.

Back at the dumpster, Yoshimitsu aka the weird insane cookie samurai was gone. Instead of him, there was someone vaguely familiar.

'Oh, who are you?' asked Dr. Caligula.

'Remember me, doc?' asked a certain Bryan Fury.

'Uhm... Bryan, what a pleazant zurprise.' said Dr. C. uneasily.

'Hell yeah. Prepare to face me in combat, EvilShrink, for now I avenge my famry honour!' said Bryan dramaticaly.

'Wtf?!' asked the doc.

'I watched the kung-fu marathon yesterday.' said Bryan.

'Ah, ja... ' the doc was trying hard to find a solution to the situation. 'Uhm, janitor! Attack the psychotic maniac!' and he fled.

'I miss Danny deVito.' stated Jack as he attacked Fury.

'Uhh... you remind me of this guy on TV.' said Bryan.

'Argh... you do too.' said Jack.

'I do?' asked Bryan.

'Yees. You look like Mel Gibson.' said Jack.

'And you look like Schwartzenegger.' said Bryan.

'I'm Jack.' said Jack.

'Hiya, Jack. My name is Bryan.' said Bryan as he shook Jack's hand.

* * *

**AN: Hello and once agin, thank you for reading the ridiculous adventures of the evil shrink**.** Read and review, for your reviews make me happy.**


	10. Gotten Himmel!

**AN: Back to the Evil Shrink people.  
**

* * *

While Bryan and Jack were exchanging pleasantries, Dr. Caligula ran as far as he could in order to escape the fury of Bryan Fury. 

'I shouldn't have skipped PE in school.' he said as he fell to the ground, exausted.

Coming from the opposite directions was Asuka who was running from the perverted and drugged Hwoarang, as he was hellbent on grabbing her ass.

'Keep away you asshole!' shouted Suki as she bumped into the breathless heap of lard that was Dr. Caligula.

'But I like your ass.' said Hwoarang in a drugged haze as he accidentaly grabbed Dr. Caligula's ass.

'Ich bin der Käse!' shouted Dr. Caligula, while headbutting Hwoarang.

'Gee, thanks, Doctor. I would have never shaken that druggie.' said Asuka sarcasticaly.

'Ja,' said Dr. Caligula. 'Und now can I please grab your tits?' he asked.

'Eww, get lost you old pervert!' shouted Asuka as she punched the doc in the face.

'I am not old. It's just my face.' said the doctor.

'Whatever, man. I'm outa here.' she said as she ran away, leaving him with the KOed Hwoarang.

'Auf. Now I am all alone again.' he said.

'We're not alone, doc.' said Howarang as he woke up. 'You got me.'

'Und das is good?' asked the doctor sarcasticaly.

'Jeah, doc. Togeter we gonna stick it to the man.' said Hwoarang.

'You are obviosly still stuck in your teenage years.' said the doctor. 'Und you smell like a teenager too.'

'Jeah, doc. I'm a part of the new generation, and I have a MySpace too.' said Hwoarang again.

'What is your MySpace?' asked Dr. C.

'myspace. com / iwantkazamasass.' said Hwoarang.

'I have one too. myspace. com / kinkyshrink4u.'

It's a Kinky Shrink?' asked Hwoarang. 'I thought you were the Evil Shrink.'

'Nein, that's the real Caligula. I am the Kinky Shrink. I want to grab asses and b00bz.'

'I like that too, doc.' said Hwoarang.

'We should have our own TV show. The Butt Patroll.' said the Doctor.

'Yeah...' said Hwoarang gesticulating wildly. 'Grabbing ass because we are horny and perverted.'

'Ready or not, we grab your sexy ass, Hwoarang and Caligula.' rapped Dr. C.

'Hey, doc. You can rap?' asked Hwoarang.

'Ja. Austrian rap is world wide, homie.' said Dr. Caligula.

'Word. We should rap together.' said Hwoarang.

And together they rapped:

_ I am the mighty Caligula  
I am dope like LSD,  
I am fly I kick it old school,  
I'll tell you that for free.  
On the stage I rock the mic,  
my psychos is so tight,  
other rappers best step off,  
I'm bad like Dolamite._

_I'm from the streets you know it's true,  
my homies are all dead,  
fuck with me you'll join them too,  
I'll cap you in the head.  
Don't make me get up from this chair,  
I'll pop you like a zit,  
you step to me as if you bad,  
bitch please you ain't got shit._

_I'm the mighty Caligula  
The might mighty Caligula  
I'm the mighty Caligula  
Might might mighty Caligula_

_Ah yeah, Dr. Caligula is in full effect!  
Check this shit out._

_Bitch you think I'm bad,  
I ain't even started yet,  
I'll whack your whole damn crew,  
and not even break a sweat.  
My rep is fucking huge,  
my dick's harder than concrete,  
getting paid and laid,  
gangsta player elite._

_Frasier Crane can suck my dick,  
that bitch got no PhD,  
I lost count of mine,  
I got stupid whack degrees.  
Complex math it ain't no thing,  
I'm mad dope crazy fly,  
like Quantum formula,  
I'll leave you asking why._

_I'm the mighty Caligula  
The might mighty Caligula  
I'm the mighty Caligula  
Might might mighty Caligula__  
_

_Ah yeah, that's some serious bad-ass, Wu-tang, Scooby gang,  
funky-ass shit I be laying down on your ass!  
Dr. Caligula is in the house and he be taking care of business.  
Peace! I'm out of here!_

'Rock out with your shrink out!' shouted Hwoarang.

'Ja, und now wee must find the WSD.' said Dr. Caligula.

'What's a WSD?' asked Hwoarang.

'Weird Samurai Dude.' said Dr. C. 'I think his name was Yoshimitsu.'

'I saw him.' said Hwoarang. 'He was at a carnival nearby.'

'Fo shizzle, Hwoamizzle.' said Dr. C and they both headed for the carnival.

At the carnival, they were looking for Yoshi.

'Who owns this carnival?' asked Dr. C.

'I wike carnival.' said Xiaoyu who materialized in front of them.

'Welcome to Xiaoyu-land!' shouted Heihachi as he too materialized.

'Weren't you a pedo?' asked Hwoarang.

'Naw, man.' said Hei. 'I just like giving candy to little girls and making theme-parks for them.'

'Oy, so you ain't a perv.' said Hwoa.

'Ai. What are those two doing?' asked Dr. C.

'Hey. It's Jack the Janitor and Bryan. They've come to the carnival too.' said Heihachi.

'Ja. Upon introspection,' said Jack. 'Bryan and I decided that we are gay and that we love each other. Now I don't have to go back to making family comedies.'

'Yeah, and I no longer have to be a lethal weapon.' said Bryan.

'Well, that's a happy ending for you.' said Hwoa.

'Gotten Himmel!' shouted Dr Caligula.

* * *

**AN: This be tha final chapter to my insane fic. review the whole thing or just the last chappie, i don't care. Caligula out.**


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